Can We Stop with the “Introvert=Shy” Already!?

Oh dear, did that headline sound exasperated? I think it did. Because I am.

Over the past 18 months, I’ve been especially in tune with articles and posts that mention introversion. And so often, there is a collapsing of the definitions of introvert and shy. The article will start out OK, positing that introverts can be leaders, or business owners, or sales people. Then they will highlight a particular person, first by describing how he or she was shy as a youth. The shyness may be true, and it’s somewhat irrelevant to his or her status as an introvert.

As long as I see credible news outlets and bloggers interchange “introvert” with “shy” (or almost worse, with “passive,” which is what the Harvard Business Review did in reports of recent leadership research), I know that we need to keep beating the “introvert-does-not-equal-shy” drum.

(Quick note: I am NOT saying there’s anything wrong or shameful with being shy. It’s simply that as long as we accept incorrect definitions, we’ll not have access to the solutions or information that can help us the most.)

100% of the time, “introvert” immediately triggers “shy.” Other words that make a regular appearance: quiet, reserved, thoughtful, pensive, contemplative, recharges through alone time, and sexy.

The past 12 months have found me in front of more than 25 different groups, for a total audience exceeding 1,500. Each time I speak, I start out by asking people what words or phrases come to mind when they hear the words “introvert” and “extrovert.” 100% of the time, “introvert” immediately triggers “shy.” Other words that make a regular appearance: quiet, reserved, thoughtful, pensive, contemplative, recharges through alone time, and sexy (sexy!? Yes, that one was shouted out at a presentation last week. When someone mentioned it was true for extroverts, too, I affirmed that yes, anyone who embraces who they are and radiates confidence in it is indeed attractive and sexy! Sounds like fodder for a future blog post, perhaps

Here’s what I share about the difference between introvert and shy:

Introversion is a personal trait that informs where we gain and drain energy. Introverts gain energy from solitude and quiet, and we drain energy from social interaction. We are internally oriented, most closely in touch with and living from our inner world. We’re also likely to be internal processors; we think before we speak, rather than thinking out loud. We live from the inside, out.

I can see why this can be confused with shy. We see someone being quiet, or not approaching people at a party, or squirreling away to work on a project, and we think that person is not comfortable with people, i.e., shy. And that person might very well be shy. Or, s/he might simply be introverting. (More on that in a second.)

Your typical introvert enjoys people. Human beings are social creatures – we must interact with others. The introvert needs smaller doses of that interaction, most often on his/her own terms (planning a surprise party for an introvert? You might want to rethink that!). To have the energy for social interaction, solitude is required.

Shyness means that a person is not at ease in the company of others; easily frightened; timid (World English Dictionary). It’s about fear of approaching others.

Can an introvert be a shy person? Yes. Can introvert feel shy on occasion? Of course. Can an extrovert be or feel shy? Absolutely!

So an introvert walks into a party (sounds like the start of a joke, doesn’t it!?). If I’m simply introverting (preserving and pacing my energy), then I’m scoping things out, talking to a few people and slipping away to the restroom or outside so I can take periodic breathers from the activity. I see lots of interesting people in the room. I’m checking things out to see if approaching them is worth the expenditure of energy I know it will require. If I choose not to approach them, it’s not out of fear or shyness; it’s because I’ve decided to preserve or expend my energy in an intentional way.

If I’m a shy person at that party, I’m feeling some anxiety and self-consciousness. I want to talk to people, but I feel too much fear to approach them. Or I’m intimidated. Or the pressure is too much. My decision not to approach them isn’t so much about choice as it is about fear.

To be a shy introvert would be challenging, but in my mind, not as challenging as it would be for the extrovert. The extrovert gains energy from social interaction. If you are a shy extrovert, the fear of interaction is at odds with the need for interaction!

Another difference? You can overcome or work through being shy. In most cases, it’s desirable to make an effort to do so, if it’s showing up in unhealthy ways. You don’t “overcome” or “recover” from being an introvert. It’s not something to recover from! It’s a trait to understand and honor (remember, your sex appeal is at stake here!).

You don’t “overcome” or “recover” from being an introvert.

I’ve taken to thinking of introversion less as a personality trait and more of an energetic trait. Does it influence my personality and how I show up in the world? Definitely. But more than that, my introversion dictates my energy sources and suckers. It informs how I relate to the world, from that inside-out place. When we think of personality, we think of sociability (how likable, friendly or social someone is). That’s why I think shy and introvert continue to be confused. If we think of introversion as being an energetic – rather than social – trait, we might have a prayer of restoring the word to its original and truer meaning.

Some people think common usage trumps correctness. In other words, if we keep using two words interchangeably and society morphs the meaning, then we should just go along with it. There are times when that’s OK (for instance, for the sake of my blood pressure, I’ve given up on the correctness battle between “more than” and “over.”). Other times, it’s not acceptable (its vs it’s, anyone!?). To me, it’s critical to bust the introvert=shy common usage. To allow introversion to continue to be equated with shyness (and visa-verse) is doing a disservice to people with either trait and keeps us from getting information that would best support us.

Please share in the comments: How do you see the difference between introversion and shyness? Are you a shy introvert or extrovert? How has that affected your life?

About the Author, Beth Buelow

Beth Buelow is Founder and CEO of The Introvert Entrepreneur. As a professional speaker, certified coach and writer, Beth is on a mission to empower introverts to understand, own and leverage their natural strengths.

VickiB 5 pts

I'm cautious and quiet in new situations, around new people. But if anyone suggested to me co-workers that I might be shy, I think they would laugh loudly. I recall once, telling a co-worker that I had purchased an "Assertiveness" training CD. He said "Why do you want that? You're the most assertive person I know."

Nope. Not shy. Definitely an Introvert (and proud of it).

share flag

spam
offensive
disagree
off topic

that should have been "my co-workers" of course.

Susan P

I'm an introvert... and NOT AT ALL SHY. I like people! I enjoy engaging with them! No social fears here! I simply must have my alone time as well, in large doses, to recharge. I definitely think before I speak and would far rather listen to someone talk about themselves (which I often find fascinating) than to talk about myself (which I find quite uncomfortable.) And actually, that makes me quite popular because most people DO want to talk about themselves and are happy to find someone who doesn't want to compete in that regard, but rather, will listen. Fascinatedly, because my analytical self is engaged.

RosieDavis 5 pts

I am a shy introvert and I certainly know the difference. The shyness makes me feel very uncomfortable in social situations. I want to fit in and feel comfortable, but it's like there is a wall between me and others. The only way that I fit in with people that I normally would not, is if there is one loud outgoing extrovert who works to include me and make me feel at ease.

As an introvert, I find more pleasure in doing things that don't require other people. Like reading or writing poetry. It's hard for me to spend a lot of time in a loud crowd without feeling completely drained. For me, "Two is company and three is a crowd."

MichaelCurran 5 pts

I am really glad that I found "The Introvert Entrepreneur", I am an off-the-scale introvert Myers-Briggs scored me as an INTJ - 93% on the (I). I am/was also very shy. I have always chosen odd career paths like EMT then decided to try out being a business owner/ personal coach. I always knew I was an introvert. but until I started to understand how to work with instead of against the (I), I was a bit lost. So far, your blog has been very valuable with learning new things while reinforcing what I've already learn.

JLi 5 pts

It took me forever to figure out that I'm a shy extrovert because people always tell you that if you're shy you're introverted. It was a great day when I learned the term 'shy extrovert' as it's very liberating to finally figure out where you belong. The more people spread the word that shy and introverted aren't the same the better it is for all of us.

BlackMoldRemovalProducts 8 pts

Hi...Thanks for the information you have provided us here...

ReadingApps 5 pts

For me, introversion is manageable. You must make your best to go out and meet other people. Start it with your friends and family and everything will just follow.

fergusonsarah 101 pts

Stay on board Beth, your such a good spokesperson.

My latest conversation: Getting Pregnant Faster

Charlotte74 74 pts

Wow, eye opening. I've always thought of myself as shy and an introvert. But reading your article everything about an introvert just rings so true about me - I like social interactions but on my own terms. Good stuff.

My latest conversation: The Health Advice Blog

LauLau81 131 pts

I think I am somewhat a shy type but not an introvert. I go out with friends, but meeting new people always makes me shy. But I dont think I am an introvert. Thank you for sharing the difference.

BethBuelow 12 pts moderator

LauLau81<label ns="true">.</label> you're welcome! Introverts have a similar experience - we love our friends (just not all of them in the same room at the same time!) and might feel challenged meeting new people, mostly because of the energy it requires.  Thanks for commenting!

My latest conversation: Tech Tips for Small Business with Sven Mogelgaard

AlisonFredericksen 6 pts

Very interesting, Beth. I had always assumed I was an extrovert, because I really do enjoy being around people, however, I began to wonder several years ago if I am really an introvert. This was due to a growing awareness that, while I enjoy one-on-one time very much, I actually do not like being in large groups much at all. And the realization that I really enjoy being alone. I notice that spending time with myself makes me much more available to be with friends when I am doing that. I am not shy, as you know, although I have had periods of time when I've had social anxiety, and when I am anxious I can appear shy. But I really like silence, and I really like being with myself. I agree that shyness implies an inability to do something that one may really want to do. It's taken me years to learn what I do and don't want to do and get comfortable with that. As you stated, all human beings have the inborn need to be in relation. I thought I had to get my need for relating met in certain ways that I didn't really much enjoy. Today, I can see that I would really rather have large amounts of time with myself and spend an hour or two several times a week with someone I actually want to see, in stimulating conversation. Lucky for me I can do that right now. What do you think? Am I an introvert?

AlisonFredericksen , I agree, you're not shy :-). What you describe sounds like you have a very healthy, cultivated introvert side. My theory (I'm sure it's not mine alone, this is just the way I describe it) is that we all have a core personality and a cultivated personality. The core is the way we're born and what our natural preference is; the cultivated is what's been developed, reinforced or placed upon us by those around us. The key is understanding which is which, because then you can make choices that best support you. You may have more of a natural introvert leaning when it comes to your energy, and you've cultivated the extrovert side to get your social needs met. OR you're a natural extrovert who has developed your introvert energy more strongly, allowing you to extrovert as much as you need. Sorry that's not a definitive answer... you might want to check out a few books for more info. "Please Understand Me" and "The Introvert Advantage" are two good ones. LMK what you conclude!

DeborahDrake 6 pts

Stay the course Beth, you are a great spokesperson! In your element too...

DeborahDrake , thank you. I appreciate your presence here and elsewhere in my life!

resonancesocial 7 pts

Well said, Beth! I equated the two myself until a few years ago, when I read The Introvert Advantage and learned what introversion truly is -- what a blessed revelation! Unfortunately, until we learn to recognize and embrace our introversion, we can easily think there's something wrong with us, which can lead to self-doubt and ... uh-huh ... shyness in social situations. Time to break the cycle!

resonancesocial , indeed! It is a blessed revelation - such a wonderful clarification that helps us understand ourselves that much better. Information is power, right? :-)

IntrovertAtWork 6 pts

I'm shy and an introvert, but growing up I had no understanding of the introversion side of the equation. I wish I had as I would have understood myself a lot better and accepted myself a lot as well.

IntrovertAtWork , based on your "introvertatwork" handle, you sound like you've stepped into that part of yourself fully - congratulations! You bring up a great point re: self-acceptance. Self-acceptance + understanding leads to compassion, and compassion leads to less stress and self-judgment.

Stephanie Barnes 28 pts

This is a tough topic.I'm a shy person and I don't know why.I'm not really into parties.As much as possible I want to be alone.Thanks for being a right to be heard in the society to put the evidence directly .

My latest conversation: 1300 numbers

Joanna Wilson , you're right, shyness is a toughie. I think mainly because there's a lot of judgment about it. We jump straight for the "fix it" phase and skip over the question you ask, which is "I don't know why." If we can identify the "why," then we can focus on new behaviors, rather than beating ourselves up or feeling like something is wrong with us.

tshombe 16 pts

I have so many thoughts swirling in my head about this topic. I have to think on it before offering a "real" comment.

Suffice it to say for now that erroneous assumptions of what an introvert should look like cause, act, or feel does everyone a disservice.

Thank you for addressing this topic so pointedly and powerfully, Beth. It is SO needed.

tshombe , you're welcome! I'd love to hear what your further thoughts are, if you feel compelled to share. As you say so well, when we allow stereotypes to prevail over facts, we are doing harm... that's true of personalities, politics, religion, any hot button issue you can think of!!

susan_m_steele 9 pts

Yes, yes, yes and yes! This drives me absolutely crazy. I tell people I used to be shy -- but I'm not any more. I don't avoid parties because I'm shy, I avoid them because I just don't like them!

Such an important distinction. I've found lately that supposedly reputable or knowledgeable writers are attaching so many negative traits to introversion. Yesterday it was an article stating that extroverts are happier and introverts are neurotic.

Great post, as always, Beth!

susan_m_steele , I'm heartened to know you've witnessed the same thing (sometimes I wonder if I'm hyper-sensitive about the topic... but having conviction and being sensitive are also too different things!). It's discouraging when the wrong definition continues to be circulated and repeated. Thanks for being a voice in the movement to set the record straight :-)