Last week, I attended a workshop about how to create a compelling business vision and purpose. As part of the process, we were asked to name our core values, going so far as to narrow it down to one, unshakable value that we held near and dear.
Even when faced with a long list of lovely words, such as abundance, creativity, excellence, innovation, quality and winning (Ha – I’ll never look at that word the same way again – thanks a lot, Mr. Sheen), I found it simple to name my #1 value:
Authenticity.
To be authentic means to be genuine. Trustworthy. Reliable. Truthful.
As for butter versus margarine, I trust cows more than chemists. ~Joan Gussow
And with regard to my work with introverts, living in authenticity means honoring your truth. Being who you are, 100%.
This is why the expression “fake it ’til you make it” makes me bristle. I’ve said those words, and agreed with those words, without really thinking about if they were true. Or even, if they were helpful.
We think that when we’re about to do something new, we have to screw up our courage and put on a brave face. The antidote to our fear is to fake it… smile, say that we’re excited/happy/optimistic/ready, and then jump. You know, “Just do it.”
And we’re taught that if you don’t feel happy, fake it. Smile, and you’ll trick your brain into believing you’re happy. I’ve tried it, and it works for a few minutes. But at least one recent study contradicts that conventional wisdom.
Scientists followed bus drivers over a period of time and compared the moods of those who engaged in “surface acting” (forcing a smile even when unhappy) and “deep acting” (conjuring up happiness from positive thoughts or memories).
The finding? When forcing a smile, “…the subjects’ moods deteriorated and they tended to withdraw from work. Trying to suppress negative thoughts, it turns out, may have made those thoughts even more persistent.” Conversely, when a subject tapped into positive memories, mood and productivity improved.
When we fake it, we’re not acknowledging or honoring our truth. And consider this: if you have to fake it, is that task or feeling a “should”? Is it your choice? Is it in alignment with your values? Is it honoring your personality preferences?
When we fake it, we exhaust ourselves and drain precious energy.
So what do we do when we are facing our fears, or a dreaded task, or trying to climb out of a rut that we feel stuck in, or have to go to the big party that we really don’t feel like going to!?!?
First, we intentionally acknowledge that the whole thing feels icky. Scary. Boring. Draining.
Second, we say “AND” (not “but”!), and we do what the bus drivers did: we choose to “deep act.” We tap into what’s already inside us, what’s authentic, to pull us through.
This can take the form of feeling gratitude for the adventure or opportunity, or to learn something new.
It can be curiosity, shifting from “I don’t know what’s going to happen!!!” to “I wonder what will happen?” (and knowing that whatever happens, you can handle it).
It can be bringing up memories of a big accomplishment, or images of a loved one or your biggest cheerleaders.
We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others that in the end we become disguised to ourselves. ~François Duc de La Rochefoucauld
Then, when we put on our “game face,” we are doing so from a place of authenticity. We’ve started by being transparent (“This stinks!”) and moved to changing our attitude and story, drawing from people, places and things that have heart and meaning for us.
Faking it is tiring for anyone, especially the introvert. We think we have to fake extroversion in order to fit in. In reality, introverts have an extroverted side that can come out to play when we want. Being highly social and outgoing – in our own unique way – doesn’t have to be fake.
Think of it this way: your core personality might be introvert, and you have the ability to introvert and extrovert all the time. Those two words are verbs as well as nouns. Part of your own self-discovery and awareness is knowing how you extrovert authentically. Being outgoing, social, gregarious, charismatic… these things are all relative, and they will look different for you than they do for extroverts, or your fellow introverts.
If God had wanted me otherwise, He would have created me otherwise. ~Johann von Goethe
So the next time you think to yourself, “Well, I gotta fake it ’til I make it,” stop. Reflect. What’s the positive energy within you that’s waiting to come to the surface and help you through? Can the smile, the courage, the optimism come from there, rather than being based on falsehoods? Can your natural extroversion – the part that can’t wait to share your passion with others – come out to play? How can you balance that with your need to introvert, to recharge?
Faking is a waste of energy, and our energy is one of our most valuable assets. Spend it wisely.
What do you think? Agree or Disagree? How do you conjure up courage or happiness when they’re not readily available? Are there times when we really DO have to fake it ’til we make it? And while we’re here, what’s your ONE core value?
Hi Beth,____Your article caught my interest, as I've questioned this concept as well from time to time. I agree, that authenticity is key. However, my authenticity is compassion based, and there are times when I do "fake it" to honor my authentic self. For example, if I'm feeling irritable, I don't snap at the person in front of me at the grocery store. If I reacted to the irritability, I'd be reacting to the emotion, and not coming from my authenticity. So, I may fake patience even though I feel irritable. ____On the other hand, during one of my growing pains, I once thought if I faked being an extrovert, I'd become one. After 2 years of doing this, I became physically and emotionally drained, and eventually began suffering panic attacks. This is an example of faking against authenticity. I don't believe anyone can fake against authenticity for long without serious side effects.__
Love and Light,
Davina
Great post Beth. I too was and still am somewhat a proponent of "Fake it till you make it". But, your point about faking a feeling is valuable. I can't fake the feeling, but I can find another feeling - gratitute, curiosity, a sense of adventure. I like that reframing. I have to agree with Susan, that sometimes I need to fake the confidence and push through it until I eventually really do feel confident.
Thanks for a great post.
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Arden, you never strike me as needing to fake confidence ;-) and I understand what you mean. I like to think of it as watering the seeds of confidence that are already within you (because they are there; otherwise, you wouldn't be the fabulous entrepreneur you are!) and the more you water them, the more they grow!
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Great post! I've always dissapproved of that statement, "fake it 'til you make it", probably because I'm not too good at. I agree that authenticity is key. I also appreciate the examples of acting deeply.
Thanks, Larry - that you are not good at faking it tells me you also hold authenticity as a core value. Doesn't surprise me from a fellow INFJ ;-)
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I've been a "fake it til you make it" adherent myself, because it's worked for me. But my interpretation of it has always been related to "doing" and not "feeling." I don't think I've actually considered faking a feeling per se, and I completely agree with you that it is a fairly universally bad idea. I've considered the phrase more as behavior modification, like Susan said where one acts with a confidence they don't feel until they garner enough experience for that feeling to be real.
I can also behave optimistically without feeling optimistic, by saying positive things that I neither strongly belief nor strongly disbelieve. In that way, I'm not denying my feeling but considering the possibility that speaking more positively may lead me towards a more generally optimistic outlook or at least shift my focus from things that are negative (and generally completely out my control), to things that are positive.
I think we're probably saying essentially the same things here - if I force myself to go out and be social when I don't feel like it, that is exhausting. But when I carefully manage what I say at my job so that I can have a more positive work experience, it does end up being a win for me.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful website and postings - you've given me new confidence that it is possible for a died in the wool introvert to be entrepreneurial!
Hi Suzanne, thanks for sharing such thoughtful insights! You bring up a great point about not denying your feelings while still shifting your focus towards the positive.
A great tip I picked up from Andy Dooley (who, if you ever get to experience in person, is wonderful!) seems to apply here: when we want to shift from where we are (perhaps not confident, not positive, not strong) to where we want to be, we can use bridging language.
For instance, instead of "I am completely confident in my abilities," we can say "I am becoming more confident in my abilities every day." The first is perceived by our brains as a lie; it knows we're faking. But the second is the truth, if we're being intentional. We are "becoming," "starting to," "beginning" to feel or do whatever it is we want. It's acknowledging the process.
And it's inspiring to me that you are feeling new confidence in your capacity to be an introvert and an entrepreneur - there's lots of space to be both!! :-)
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I like this article, Beth! It is about interpretation, for sure.
Although I know there is value in 'acting AS IF' . For instance, the newly clean & sober person living Life one day at a time. 'Faking it til you make it' can be helpful for someone who might have no idea how to really live. Or starting a business and getting out there and networking with confidence.
Authenticity is the best and 'acting as if' can be a real life saver at times.
Nancy, thanks for making this point. I feel there's a slight difference between faking and 'acting as if' - in my interpretation, there's more authenticity and desire for a transformation when we 'act as if.'
And perhaps that's where the distinction comes in. What's the *intention* behind the thought? Is it to survive, talk ourselves into something or push us before we're ready (faking)? Or is it to "be the change we wish to see" or to step into a new growth area for ourselves (authenticity)?
Any thoughts about that?
Thank you for bringing this nuance to the discussion, Nancy!
My recent post Why “Fake it ’til you make it” is Lousy Advice
Hmmm...At first, I was going to disagree with you. But I think it's how you interpret the phrase "fake it til you make it." To be it's always meant "fake your confidence" -- in other words, give yourself the benefit of the doubt that you know what you are doing and people are going to accept that you are being authentic. Especially for tasks you have to do over and over again, the confidence builds up to the point where it's completely part of who you are.
When I worked as a project manager on new museum exhibits, I often had to give presentations to different groups of people. At first, I hated it. By the end of my time in that job, I couldn't wait to give presentations!
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Hi Susan,
You're right, it does depend on interpretation. Even as you describe it, it's not about faking confidence - it's about trusting yourself and your skills/knowledge/gifts, and knowing that you can handle whatever happens. It's an intentional, heart-centered leap of faith. But "Trust it 'til you make it" doesn't have quite the same ring to it... :-)
Thanks for sharing; it's always good to see you here!
My recent post Why “Fake it ’til you make it” is Lousy Advice
Methinks the lady doth protest too loudly.
It's hard to counter your argument from the perspective you present. However to accept your argument completely one would have too deny the evidence that we can "self program". e.g. if you don't feel the way you want to feel, you can act the way you want to feel, and you'll soon feel the way you want to feel.
I'm sure you realize that ones nervous system cannot tell a real from a vividly imagined experience.
So you can accept, "fake it til you make it" as a directive to live the life of a phony, or see it as an attempt to reshape part of yourself by conscious intention.
As in all things in life, your conscious intention is a very significant factor. Capisce.
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