A friend and I try to walk in the morning twice a week. This morning, she wasn’t able to join me, which I didn’t know until after I’d already stepped out into the chilly air. It was tempting to turn right back around and go back home, get my jammies on and snooze just a *few* more minutes. Instead, I walked. And thought. And took a few pictures of pretty fall colors (the main image for this post is one of them; I love how it looks more like a painting than a photo).
Just before I got home, I realized that it was the first time in a while that I’d been truly alone. The irony is, I work from my home office, and I’m probably alone between 8-12 hours a day, if I don’t have a meeting or event to attend.
Even during all of those hours, I’m almost never alone.
Language… has created the word “loneliness” to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word “solitude” to express the glory of being alone. ~Paul Johannes Tillich, The Eternal Now
I’m on the phone with clients and colleagues. I’m keeping up with e-mails (or at least trying to!). I’m reading articles, blogs, books and, if I’m really restless, the backs of cereal boxes and shampoo bottles. There’s seldom a moment when my thoughts are not in direct response to someone else’s thoughts!
This experience brought to mind a wonderful insight offered in a speech by William Deresiewicz, given to the United States Military Academy at West Point:
My first thought is never my best thought. My first thought is always someone else’s; it’s always what I’ve already heard about the subject, always the conventional wisdom. It’s only by concentrating, sticking to the question, being patient, letting all the parts of my mind come into play that I arrive at an original idea.
The overall point of Dereziewicz’s speech was the connection between solitude – which he defined as being completely alone with your thoughts – and leadership. He spoke of how seldom we enjoy solitude anymore. What we need, he said, was people who could think for themselves.
Another part of his speech resonated deeply with me:
Thinking isn’t about learning other people’s ideas, or memorizing a body of information. It requires concentrating on one thing long enough to develop an idea of your own. You simply cannot do that in bursts of 20 seconds at a time, constantly interrupted by Facebook messages or Twitter tweets, or fiddling with your iPod, or watching something on YouTube.
It was on this unexpected solo walk that I realized how much of my thinking is through the filter of other people’s thoughts. Despite that I am alone physically for maybe 75% of my working hours each week (which this introvert loves!), other people’s ideas and stories occupy a large parcel of my brain real estate.
As introverts, we live in the world of thoughts and ideas (whereas extroverts are more oriented to activity and action). We thrive on information and a need to process that information until we’re satisfied with it.
Do I want and need other people and their thoughts, opinions and ideas? Absolutely!! And, it’s important that that’s balanced with quiet mind time.
I’m noticing that even though I’m “alone” for significant chunks of time, I’m still tired and drained.
I must unplug more often. With all of the information in the world available in an instant, 24/7, inches from my greedy curiosity about what others think, I have to trust that I can think for myself.
I need more time away from books (gasp!), computers (no!) and the phone (not quite so gut wrenching 
).
There is no shortage of ways to unplug: morning pages, journaling, meditation, doing something artistic or playing my clarinet, going for walks alone. The more I do these things, the more I’ll be able to protect my energy, whether I’m with others in person or virtually. And who knows what my mind will dream up?!
What do YOU think? How do you make time to be 100% alone? What benefit do you experience when you think for yourself?
Beth, I loved this part of your blog, "I’m noticing that even though I’m “alone” for significant chunks of time, I’m still tired and drained.
"I must unplug more often. With all of the information in the world available in an instant, 24/7, inches from my greedy curiosity about what others think, I have to trust that I can think for myself."
I'm starting to see my loneliness with being home alone most of my time. I love the quiet space and freedom, but I do crave some interaction so I often turn to internet interaction. It sure makes me appreciate my husband and son when they are around...but most of all, I really grown to love being off technology and spending time valuing myself and getting to know me a little better inside. :) That's where the biggest growth comes from for me.
Merry, thanks for sharing your insights. Self-awareness is a balance of understanding how others see us, and knowing how we see ourselves... and my intention is that both come from a place of love! Here's to unplugging a little more often, so that there's more room for love to stretch its legs :-)
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I was just thinking about this same situation this morning. Trying to decide what MORE ezines to unsubscribe to. After a much highly touted, but in my opinion, under delivererd, I'm also questioning, do I really NEED to hear any more of ideas about how to do this or that?
It's amazing what happens on those solo walks isn't it? Thanks for this post Beth!
Pat, I am so with you! I did a major purge a month or two ago. I had originally subscribed to tons of ezines and other lists, so I could get lots of ideas and see how everyone else was running their biz. I've now narrowed that down to just a few that provide me with consistent value (instead of always trying to sell me something). There does come a point when we have *enough* information - from external and internal resources - that we can choose to trust ourselves (even if we feel like saying "wait, just one more bit of research!"). it's probably only when we shut off the gushing valve of external stimuli that our inner wisdom has room to flow freely. And then, there's more time for those wonderful solo walks :-)
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Beth I think you covered this topic so very well, thank you! Even for us extroverts, it's important to have alone time. I know for me I fill my day with other people in thought and spirit and taking a time out is imperative to 'defrag' my brain. As a total extrovert, I actually recharge by being around other people and what I realized while reading your post, the importance to have solitude of mind is an important element to my self care.
Thanks for your extrovert perspective, Tammy - there's always benefit to getting in touch with your inner introvert, just as we need to call on our inner extrovert! The busier our lives (and I know yours is hoppin'!), the more the capacity to tap into different energies is needed.
Arden, I appreciate that observation, that focus gives you solitude. What that means to me is that we have the capacity, through mindfulness and focus, to carry around a certain degree of solitude wherever we go. If we can retain our energy, rather than giving it away to the people and circumstances around us, we're more likely to find healthy solitude when we need it most. Thanks for adding a new angle to the conversation!
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Beth, I love this post. I am a restless soul who rarely let's myself relax and be with myself even when I'm alone. And, when I'm "relaxing" I'm thinking of all of the things I need to be doing so I'm not really relaxing. In fact, even in yoga I have a hard time focusing and just thinking about the pose and being with myself.
I guess I need to find something that keeps my restless mind focused on just that activity so it has a chance to be alone rather than taking in other people's words, actions, thoughts, etc.
And, it seems the more alone time I have the busier my mind is. So, it's not alone time that helps me focus, it's focus that gives me solitude.
Thanks for a great post!
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Arden, I appreciate that observation, that focus gives you solitude. What that means to me is that we have the capacity, through mindfulness and focus, to carry around a certain degree of solitude wherever we go. If we can retain our energy, rather than giving it away to the people and circumstances around us, we're more likely to find healthy solitude when we need it most. Thanks for adding a new angle to the conversation!
My recent post The Dangers of Being Home Alone
Truly love this post Beth. I had not thought of my time with books and blogs as time "with other people" but you are absolutely right. While I thoroughly enjoy these activities, when I do them for long periods or without significant breaks I do feel drained.
I also find that when I take time out to do "me things" like walking in the woods or working on a craft project that is when my mind will come up with it's own wonderful thoughts. I guess everything has been brewing in the background and it needs some quiet before it will step forward.
Sandy, what you share is so true. It's like our minds need time and space to synthesize, and when we're not forcing it - when we're taking care of ourselves and doing something that shifts our perspective - then whatever's been brewing can step forward. Thank you for bringing that truth into the discussion!
PS: This is especially appropriate to remember during the busy, give-give-give holiday season, isn't it!??! ;-)
My recent post The Dangers of Being Home Alone
Beth, I want to offer another thought. I think the gift isn't in the "concentrating" on not thinking (about other people's ideas or even our own).
You do not fit in the population that may need to learn to think for themselves. It seems to me the real challenge is revealed in the busy-ness you describe, the impact of which you articulate this way "I'm noticing that even though I’m “alone” for significant chunks of time, I’m still tired and drained."
I am on Joe Nunziata's Word of the Week list. This week's word is "Relax." What stood out for me was clarifying that relaxation is not lying on the couch from exhaustion. That is RECOVERY, not relaxation.
Quiet time *can* be "mind time", but for it to be relaxing, there's no concentration. For it to be true relaxation rather than recovery means scheduling the appointment with yourself to unplug, as you put it.
It can be writing in your journal, as long as that is refreshing, rejuvenating, and relaxing. . .rather than another thing you do that ends up likewise leaving you tired and drained.
It's often allowing ourselves mindLESS time that permits introverts to rejuvenate, relax, and fill ourselves up.
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Tshombe, I love that distinction between relaxing and recovering!!! And I agree, we need time for "non-thinking" as well. When we let our minds wander and be open, without an agenda or attachment, we become really present to the moment. How awesome is that!? Sometimes, to be mindFUL, we need to be mindLESS :-)
My recent post The Dangers of Being Home Alone
Such a great reminder of the value of spending time with yourself - away from the distractions of work and life. Thanks!
Betty, you're welcome! I hope you're finding all the retreat time you need. And I'll be in touch with you about a coffee date! :-)
My recent post The Dangers of Being Home Alone
Beth,
I am torn here. I know that "eavesdropping" online is not alone time, but I get some of my best ideas by reading the ideas of others, which spurs my thinking and sparks the creative juices to think of my own original take on an idea. Does that make sense?
On my own alone time, I find that lying in bed, before I completely wake up, well, that's some of my best "solitude" time. It's when some of my best own ideas pop up.
Love the Pearl Buck quote in your post.
Another one I like (have it printed out and taped to my office wall) is from, Alan Alda, the actor from MASH:
"You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. What you'll discover will be wonderful. What you'll discover is yourself."
Because with all the noise and distraction, I think you truly have to go into that wilderness to find yourself. I, too, do that partly by journaling.
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Judy, I know exactly what you mean... it's so important for us to find inspiration in others. And, what's key is what you point out: using those ideas as the spark for your own original thinking. Sometimes we don't stick with a thought long enough to make it our own. That's where I think journaling really helps.
And yes, I had (what I thought) was a brilliant biz idea yesterday morning, in that haze between sleep and awake - good reason to always have pen and paper on the nightstand!
Thanks for sharing that awesome Alan Alda quote. "City of your comfort" perfectly captures the essence of what I experience when I allow others' thoughts dominate my thoughts. There's a comfort and familiarity in the chaos that, unless I retreat, will keep original thoughts from surfacing.
Patty, I KNEW someone was going to point out that I was planting thoughts about not spending too much time letting others plant thoughts! Ha! No surprise that YOU called me on that! ;-) This entire train of thought is inspiring me to resume journaling. I used to be an active journal writer, but I basically stopped when I got married (all the drama in my life just dissolved, I guess!). And in your quest to cull twitter distraction from you life, you could try writing journal entries in 140 characters or less, just to ease the transition...
Hmmm. I hadn't thought about how much my thoughts are influenced by what I'm reading and interacting with online. It *seems* like I have a lot of alone time...but maybe not really. I think my best (and truest) alone time is when I shut down the distractions (I'm talking to you, twitter) and write in my journal. Thanks for making me think. Oh...wait a minute...my thoughts are being influenced by YOU now. ;)
Beth:
It took me a second to realize it was a photo. Most wonderful.
On being alone...It is sometimes nice to have no distractions, time to think, reflect and take a deep breath.
It give a renewal, and an energy to accomplish any task to come. Relish and revel in those times.
Susan, now that I look at the photo, it also looks like a computer illustration - something you might do! :-) It is indeed wonderful to have no distractions. I would think being intentional about that would be so important to an uber-creative person like you. Our minds need time to play and make new connections between things... I'll join you in the relishing and reveling!
Fabulous post, Beth! I was on my way out the door when your title caught my eye. I did a complete pivot and came back to read it. Solitude--real solitude is built into my day - easier, I admit, because I live alone and work from home. Yet this blog made me think about my process for original thinking. It absolutely requires being able to sit with the question. And lots of patience.
The photo is absolutely lovely. I thought it was a painting....
Eydie, so nice to see your lovely avatar here :-) And you hit the nail on the head - it's all about our process for original thinking (so nicely put!). I recommend reading the entire speech that I quote from; I admire his underlying "don't be a drone/clone" message. I'm so glad you pivoted, read and commented! :-) And I hope CA is treating you well!
Solitude for rejuvenation and original thinking are both subjects dear to my heart. I agree with you that solitude means not interacting with others, and is a very rich world to explore. I also agree with Judy that I often need to engage with someone else - sometimes by just asking a question - to get my own juices flowing. As one who lives alone and works at home, I have learned when to pick up the phone to engage and when to walk away from my desk to the woods near my house. Ten years of self employment has been an ongoing learning process in part because each day is unique, but balance to sustain my own energy is always the big idea.
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